The Protecting Futures Alliance encourages informed choices for our youth. Every day they encounter decisions in their relationships.

Think about your life for a moment. What are your happiest memories? And then, what are your memories of greatest loss or pain? Our bet is that both your best and your worst moments in life involve people—relationships.

Our world today—from reality television, to the latest issue of Cosmopolitan, down through the halls of the local high school—is obsessed with finding the right "formula" for successful relationships. If any of you have tried these various strategies for landing the right girl or guy and keeping her or him, you know that they only lead to confusing frustration. The reason is that there are no shortcuts for building trust and respect—the foundation of every relationship.

We also understand that the relationship we often stress most over is romantic in nature. Therefore we have included 10 helpful steps toward developing a committed romantic relationship with someone of the opposite sex. (Remember that the healthiest and most lasting and also most pleasurable relationship must be built over time, in a mature, stable, and patient manner rather than the impulsive, irrational "hook ups" that lack a solid foundation and so soon fall apart and lead to much pain.)

10 Steps to Developing a Committed Relationship

The relational steps that follow form a progression that begins at first meeting someone and ends in marriage. Therefore these are not steps to progress through rapidly but may take years of time to develop. Do not attempt to unnaturally move your relationship through each successive step, but rather allow things to progress naturally, freely, and without micro-managing.

It is also assumed in the steps below that you are not sexually active with this person or living together prior to getting married. Both premarital sex and cohabiting have been statistically proven to cause most relationships to fail before marriage, and for those who do end up marrying, to increase the likelihood of divorce. Therefore, you should not get to the final steps in this progression until you are ready to be married to the person you are with.

Steps One through Four: Dealing with Similarities

During the first phase of a romantic relationship there is a glow of mutual excitement which generally blinds both of you to any imperfections in the other.

• You meet. There is a flash of interest. Initial communication occurs.
• You get together again. You chat on the phone or exchange e-mails. You talk a bit more and agree to go out.
• You begin the process of becoming friends. You share group activities together, such as school events, sporting events, movies, meals, etc.
• You begin meeting each other's family and friends.

Steps Five through Seven: Dealing with Differences

Typically at this point in the friendship differences begin to arise. These may be differences in interests, perceptions, styles of communication, goals, past experiences, etc. It is also a time where imperfections in the other person may become more noticeable. The person who before was 'perfect' in your eyes now possess weaknesses and flaws. If these are too significant that they will limit or hinder the growth of the relationship, or if they cause you to begin to compromise any of your core beliefs, then this is the time to evaluate whether or not the friendship should continue to develop in a romantic direction.

Though still difficult, a non-sexual relationship is 100 times easier to break off than one in which sexual intimacy has taken place.

• Explore each other's common and different interests. Be open to learning from the other person about his or her experiences and perspectives on things.
• Be honest but kind about perceived weaknesses or flaws in each other. Distinguish minor differences of opinion from major differences of worldview. Address with humility the weaknesses or flaws you see in your friend and have him or her do the same with you. How a person responds when confronted with a weakness will tell you much about his or her character, and thus be very helpful in determining if this is someone you could see yourself with in the long run.
• Explore life goals and dreams. Take increasing amounts of time together to discuss who you are as individuals and where you are headed in life.

Steps Eight and Nine: Dealing with Both Similarities and Differences

These steps are the final steps toward marriage and give the couple a final opportunity to judge if their relationship should end or continue on into marriage. To lay as solid a foundation as possible, it is critical that all issues between you be explored prior to getting married.

• Acknowledge that you are going forward together. Work through important issues such as finances, children, in-laws, communication, etc.
• You become engaged—you pledge your faithfulness to each other and express your intentions to be married. Begin premarital counseling with a wise, older couple. Read through the traditional list of wedding vows and evaluate whether or not you are prepared to make those "in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer" type of promises to each other. Finalize wedding plans and other necessary details (where to live after you get married, jobs, etc.).

Step Ten: Total Commitment

To marry is to commit through solemn covenant to join yourself, mind, body, and soul, to another for as long as you both do live. Without marrying you never truly have a committed relationship with someone else, because without the protection of the covenant of marriage and the promises of trust and faithfulness it contains, there is always the option to end the relationship. Once you get married, in spite of the current trends in our society, you are agreeing to never end the relationship. This is as serious as it can get. But it is also as satisfying and fulfilling as it can ever get!

• Marriage. You commit, through a solemn ceremony and the exchanging of promises, to join yourself entirely to your love for the rest of your lives. After the wedding, you have sex (hopefully for the first time!), which provides a beautiful picture of your new "oneness" along with great pleasure and intimacy. Finally, you discover that this is not really the end of anything, but rather the beginning of a lifetime of growing together with your spouse in intimate and satisfying oneness.